Dyson should send a vacuum to my parents for quality testing – they’d have that sucker (pun intended) clogged up and emitting funky odors within minutes.

Vacuum cleaners, meet your match:

Maxinator Rex

This is Max, 80+ pounds of fur and milkbones. Sure vacuum, you’ll start out fine – just like all the others. However, before you know it, there will be enough hair in you to build a Chihuahua a day. That’s not so bad, right? That is, after all, your job. They will just change your bag, or empty your canister and your worries will be over. Of course they will, but vacuum, what IS that smell? Oh my gosh, that’s dog. Oh! Why do you smell like dog when the house doesn’t smell like dog? Heck, the dog doesn’t even smell that bad on the worst day.

I’m sure they can just change your filter, and wipe down your insides and you will smell like roses. WRONG. You still smell like dog when you are used. In fact, the only way to combat your chronic case of the dog smell is to instate a “make sure no one comes over until at least a hour after vacuuming” rule so your smell won’t make them look bad. While you will clean the carpets and furniture beautifully, no one will appreciate you because of your pungent odor. It’s a hard life being a vacuum. Though there will still be some life left in you, no one will take you in smelling like that, and you will be relegated to the curb. A new vacuum will take your place, thus beginning another vicious cycle.

Now back to me…

Kenmore Powerhead Canister, in lovely Mambo Blue

Ok, maybe this example was a teeny bit dramatic, but I’m sure you guys get the picture now. My parent’s dog ruins all of their vacuum cleaners by making them smell like dog, and then my mom feels bad because the vacuum still works fine. So her solution is to ask me if I want the old vacuum. The answer is always no. I did however inherit a nice (or nice before it sucked up Max hair, anyway) upright Dirt Devil vacuum that my parents used to use in their business. Max stayed at the business some, but I didn’t think the vacuum effect would be too bad. Well, it was doggy, but after cleaning the canister and filter and regular use on non dog-haired carpet, it stopped smelling. YAY.

I am now convinced that I am death to vacuum cleaners. The vac is maybe 3 years old and several months ago, the step switch got stuck. Now the only way to turn it off is to unplug it. This week it started tracking dirt all over the carpet. I decided to  to use my old vacuum, a practically new Eureka. I swear the barely used vac is worse than the broken one.

My parents have recently moved and are installing a central vacuum system in their new house to contain all dogginess in a large metal canister mounted in the garage. Why does that make me think of the containment unit in Ghostbusters (a hairball the size of Manhattan!?) I will soon be attempting to de-dogifiy their old but good Kenmore canister vacuum even though I’ve thought it was impossible in the past. Wish me luck.